2010 Buckeye Woods 50K FA

In lieu of a "traditional" race report. I've decided to write a complaint letter to Mother Nature concerning the weather conditions we faced this morning.

Dear Mother Nature,
(or as I'm going with today, You Frosty Hearted Witch)

I'm writing to you today about the winter-like weather you served up for the inaugural Buckeye Woods 50 this morning, the 5th of December, 2010. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SHIT? I distinctly recall ordering a sunny day with highs in the 50 to 60 degree range. Now, I don't know what planet you're from, but around here, mid 20's with wind gusts that push the wind chill into the teens and SNOW that falls SIDEWAYS is NOT the same thing as mid 50's and SUN! Yes, I know that it's December and Christmas is coming and all that, but it still says AUTUMN on my calender and that steaming platter of frozen-weather excrement we had to endure today is decidedly one that occurs in the WINTER.

Do you know what? Maybe you should get your bitch-ass outside and try running for more than an hour in this windy-ass polar cold! How would you like that? I'm guessing you wouldn't. Oh, I'm sure it looks positively lovely from inside, next to a crackling fire. But by about mile 15 your thoughts will begin to change from "winter wonderland" to wondering if your going to freeze one of your testicles off because there's not enough room for both of them to retract into your body cavity. Let me tell you, THAT is an unpleasant thought to ponder when you're out on a trail at the absolute farthest point from the aid station. And that's another thing. What was the deal with the excessive wind gusts at the aid station? I suppose you may have found that humorous? Well, it WASN'T! Of all the locations on that 5 mile loop, the ONE place it would have been nice to have a little respite from the elements was at the aid station. We stopped in. Got a little fluid. Ate something. Maybe even ate some hot noodles! Would it have been too much to ask to have the wind NOT blow so hard my fingers numbed in the time it took to eat 1/4 of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

I'll have to hand it to you Your Royal Frostiness. You beat me today. You managed to sap all the energy I had. Reduced me to walking. Your icy talons pierced my soul and left me little choice but to cut my run short! Sure, I was sick all week and hadn't ran in 8 days. But when I woke up this morning I still thought I could manage 31 miles. Congratulations, along with my strength, you sucked from my body what mental fortitude I was using to keep putting one foot in front of the other, leaving me only able to manage 26 miles (27 with that last mile I ran with Kenny). I salute the others who were able to persevere in the face of such a meteorological assault. They, THEY were the true victors. You may have beaten me into submission, but you didn't win. I have that to comfort me.

In the future, I suggest you treat us runners with the respect and dignity we deserve. Deliver us with weather conditions a little more suitable to running comfortably. Worrying about frostbite in our nether regions is NOT comfortable. I don't expect a refund for today's debacle, but I would appreciate a couple muggy 85 degree partly cloudy with a chance of scattered rain shower days next year to make amends. Say on the 30 and 31st of July to coincide with the Burning River 100? Yeah, that would be nice! It's the National 100 Mile Trail Championships again, you know. Hot and muggy would be SWEET!

Affectionately yours,
Mr. Pythagoras

P.S. I also suggest you do not overstep your bounds. Remember what happened to the White Witch in Narnia? She got a little full of herself and thought she could make it winter all year long and look what happened. Aslan put her back into her place. We might not be four English kids, but we Medinans roll like that. I would hate to see something like that happen to you. I'm just saying...